


The Cat

by Donya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A gift for a very special friend, Cats, Fluff, FrostIron - Freeform, Gift Fic, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 08:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1260484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is a cat person. Loki wants a cat. Tony doesn't like cats but will Loki care?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Cat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pasztecik](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Pasztecik).



Tony could only blame himself. Or Loki, yes, definitely, it was Loki's fault.

After a few blissful weeks of being naughty and leaving the bedroom only to grab a pizza or two and some booze, after those lazy days filled with pleasure, Loki realised he was actually getting bored. He had nothing to do in the Tower, except for waiting for Tony.

'Do you really want me to start planning another invasion? Because I can and I will, unless you know how to keep me entertained when you're working.'

Books, Tony decided, that would occupy Loki's evil mind. The problem was solved... for a fortnight. Loki was a fast reader and began complaining that Midgardian books are so repetitive and the authors are wrong about most of their assumptions.

'I want company,' Loki said firmly, 'of a living creature.'

Tony gulped. That sounded like a threat. He knew very well of Loki's _special abilities_ and his children. Did Loki expect that kind of company? A little half-Loki, half-Stark? That would be a disaster, an absolute catastrophe.

'A pet!' Tony exclaimed, quickly, before Loki could suggest having a tiny drooling and screaming version of both of them. The world, any world, was not ready for that. 'You want a pet! Something small, a mouse or-'

'Hmm. That reminds me of that furry creature that crossed my path the other day.'

Tony remembered that. Loki met a cat that was lying on the pavement and had no intention of getting up, even though Loki ordered it to do so. Loki was appalled and somewhat impressed by that open disdain and the complete lack of care. The cat glanced at him briefly, then looked away, assuming that the strange huge cat would just go away and stop bothering it.

'No, no, you don't want a cat. Cats are mean, cats are bad. People think they work for the devil and trust me, that's true.'

Loki nodded, biting his lip, considering what Tony just said. Damn, that was an encouragement, right?

 

Tony was still half asleep when he crawled into the kitchen, his body demanding caffeine and something sweet, otherwise he would not be productive at all. His vision still blurred, he didn't notice anything until it was too late. He stepped on something soft and furry and the next second his ears were assaulted by a loud shriek that made his heart jump in his chest.

'What the fuck?!'

He looked down down and saw only a dark cloud and two green glaring eyes. Wait. A few seconds of shaking his head and rubbing his eyes, and the cloud was still there, still furious. Tony pinched his arm, hoping it was just a dream. Damn. It wasn't.

'Oh, you've met the Cat!' Loki joined them, unusually cheerful. He wasn't a morning person. There was only one thing that could raise his spirits so much that early. The Cat. Tony groaned. 'Hey, kitty, kitty!'

'What is this doing here?'

'His name is the Cat. And he's living here.' Loki explained without even looking at Tony. He picked up the Cat and patted its head. 'Aren't you?'

'Oh my God. Loki! Not a cat! Cats are horrible, horrible animals! They claw your throat open and pee in your boots and sleep on the kitchen table! No cats allowed here!'

Loki scratched the Cat under its chin and behind its ears. The cat closed its eyes and started purring loudly. Loki grinned at it.

'He understands me. He listened to me and agreed that Thor is a brainless oaf. And he meows so sweetly.' 

'No! Loki, put it back where you found it!'

'Let's not listen to Tony. Tony doesn't know what he's saying. You're a lovely, lovely cat and you're my cat, aren't you? Your fur is so soft and shiny. Your nose is black and so are your whiskers and your jellybean toes and nails. Black. You're a black cat. Beautiful,' Loki crooned affectionately, stroking the Cat, correctly guessing the right places and the right pressure. The purring grew louder and Tony knew he lost. Loki loved that thing.

 

It might not be that bad, Tony lied to himself. The Cat generously accepted Loki's attention, purred and kneaded on his lap. Apparently Loki was a sufficient cushion for such a little monster and it slept on Loki's stomach or chest, while Loki gently stroked it. Then the Cat would wake up and wash his fur for an hour or two, bending and twisting around. Idiot, Tony thought, you washed your ear like ten times already. The Cat could not care less, it licked its paw and chewed on its nails. Good, eat yourself, you dumb cat, Tony muttered to himself.

'You really couldn't come up with a better name for that furry bastard? Does it have to be the Cat?'

'Well, it is a cat,' Loki giggled when the Cat licked his finger. 'My kitty cat. Aren't you precious?'

'Of course I am. How about, hmm, Fluffy or Whiskers or Satan?'

 

One of the things Tony hated about cats was their sixth sense. Those freakishly clever animals know when someone doesn't like them and it's not something they can forgive. No, they gradually make one's life a misery. The Cat knew how Tony felt about it and was ready for a war.

Most often, the Cat would ignore him or just glance at him for a second, with a mild disinterest, as if Tony was so boring, useless and unworthy of its attention. Not that Tony cared. The Cat was super lazy and spent half of each day on Loki's lap, snuggling close, letting its slave show his affection. The Cat appreciated Loki's caresses and compliments, yet it did not stop it from having that half-indifferent, half-smug expression plastered on its stupid face.

Between naps, cuddles and bathing in its own drool, the Cat turned into a monster that moved at the speed of light, running from one room to another unreasonably fast, especially when it saw Tony. There was no way Tony could carry a glass of scotch or a plate or a pizza box without being attacked and forced to drop what he was holding or losing half of the content, much to the Cat's delight. Even when its fur got wet or dirty in the process. The fluffy monster would run right in front of Tony, successfully distracting him or would sit in some dark corner, waiting for Tony to pass by- and then the black paw would smack Tony's calf, not even hard but the shock was enough to drop whatever he was carrying.

'Fuuuck! CAAAT!'

The Cat knew it was not allowed to jump on the table or on the counter but did that stop it? A split of a second and Tony's pancake/chicken/yoghurt/cheese was gone. The butter was not safe either, the Cat would lick it enthusiastically, not at all bothered by Tony's yelling.

The Cat was a master of ruining lives. It guessed when people needed most privacy and took advantage of that knowledge. It would hide in the bathroom and only announce its presence when Tony sat on the toilet. The Cat observed him, judging him very hard, daring Tony to continue.

'Oh, look, who's talking. Mr I-need-to-smell-my-own-poop-before-burying-it. Go away!'

 

Sometimes Tony though they had ten cats, when the furry pure evil ran around like crazy, causing chaos. Sometimes he though there was no cat at all, when the black cloud was napping in some secret place. It was all almost bearable but the Cat just had to sleep with them at night. Like, didn't it sleep enough already? The Cat's goal was to invade Tony's privacy as thoroughly as possible. Loki insisted on letting the Cat sleep in the bed. Before Tony realised, Loki would fall asleep holding the Cat in his arms. In the dark, the purring seemed awfully loud and Tony felt he was not welcome in his own bedroom.

 

It took him some time to understand why Loki loved the Cat so much. Once, the soft incarnation of the devil decided to take a walk on the bar counter and _accidentally_  pushed the whisky bottle and watched it fall on the floor.

'Nooo! Bad cat! Bad! You're a very bad cat!' Tony screamed, pointing at the Cat, who could not look any less sorry. The absolute lack of remorse, acknowledging its fault yet refusing to feel guilty about it, that was oddly familiar.

'Oh fucking fuck. You are a feline version of Loki!' Tony gasped out in shock.

It was true. Demanding reverence, trying to fool everyone with cute appearance, doing what it wanted without thinking how it can affect people- the Cat was Loki's animal brother. Torturing Tony, that almost impressive stubbornness, the contempt, the incredible amount of self-love, that was Loki. Birds of feather cause mischief together.

Fine. Fine, Tony told himself, now he knew how to win the war. He managed to tame Loki, he could to the same with the Cat. The furry enemy was lying on its back, between Loki's calves, graciously letting Loki pat its belly.

'Oooh, who's the good boy? Is your tummy happy? So soft, you sweet kitty cat, who loves you?'

Tony came closer, very carefully, the Cat watched his every move with those burning eyes.

'Hi, there, kitty,' Tony forced himself to smile. The Cat did not buy it. It started growling at Tony, lowly and dangerously, warning him against playing that game. Loki only laughed, squeezing his friend's furry legs.

'Oh, you don't like Tony?'

 

Growling and hissing followed Tony day after day, the Cat apparently wanted to get rid of him permanently. Those evil minds, always dreaming of taking over the world, in the Cat's case, the world was the Stark Tower. Tony tried to block out the scary sounds the Cat made and reminded himself that he could not be afraid of a fluffy ball of fur. But the Cat wasn't a sweet, cuddly creature. It was made of claws and sharp teeth and hostility.

'Don't be like that, Tony, pet him, let him like you,' Loki advised, greatly amused by the whole situation. He probably knew what was going to happen. Tony touched the head of his sworn enemy, stroked it cautiously. The Cat decided it was not unacceptable and when his cheeks were scratched, it actually started purring.

'Oh! You do like that- AAAH!'

Without a warning, the Cat wrapped its paws around Tony's wrist, the claws dug into his skin, while the back legs kicked him violently, leaving long, red scratches. The Cat sunk its teeth into Tony's palm, bent on killing him, while Loki was choking with laughter.

'AAAAAH! Loki, help!'

Loki stopped laughing and wiped the tears from his eyes, and only then did he remove the Cat's limbs from Tony's poor arm. The Cat growled out threats and insults, glaring at Tony, making it clear that they weren't done yet.

It hurt and stung so bad, and all Loki did was soothe the Cat who _didn't do anything wrong, just wanted to play_. Tony was wounded and bleeding to death, half of his arm was red and hot, he was going to die of some infection and it was the cat who was upset.

 

It wasn't just his imagination. The following morning, he stepped into something soft and wet with his bare foot. Somehow he knew what it was before he looked down. It was a mouse, the only clue was a tail, still attached to the massacred tiny body. The bloody mess stuck to his foot.

'LOOOKI! Look what your CAT did to me!'

The Cat was sitting on a chair, proud to see that his human trap worked. Tony could almost hear its evil laugh. The mouse, it was a message, _you're next_.

 

Tony was willing to admit that he could have been wrong about the last threat. That fucked up furry thing shared another trait with Loki- a hunger for approval. Most likely, the Cat wanted to brag about his hunting skills and expected praise. Tony thought so when he spotted the Cat biting on a dark sock. Wait. It wasn't a sock. It dangled, hanging from the Cat's mouth.

'Fuuuck! Loki! The Cat killed a sparrow!'

How? Why? What a cruel little shit. It got tons of cat food and yet it had to kill an innocent bird. The Cat was staring at Tony, urging him to appreciate it, _oh, look, I killed it myself!_

'Fuck off, I don't care about your feline self-esteem! Go away with that bird, my God, what is wrong with you?'

The Cat took that as a challenge. It would bring moths and butterflies, their wings sticking out of its mouth, half-dead mice that it released for a moment, only to catch them again. Loki was like a proud mummy, telling the Cat what a good hunter it was.

'Very good, kitty, eat your bird, you earned it. Good kitty, eat it.'

Damn, despite all the problems the Cat caused, Tony was actually glad that Loki settled for a cat. It was safer not to think of how he would raise a child. 'Yes, yes, slay those puny humans, you earned it, the Earth is yours, good boy.'

 

Tony was patient and tolerant but he finally lost his composure when the Cat ruined one of those rare moments of intimacy between Tony and Loki. They thought the Cat was sleeping under the couch or in a flower pot, which meant that the bed was empty. Tony's pent up frustration sped things up and he actually feared he might come shamefully fast, yet the Cat saved the day. It jumped onto the bed and lay next to Loki, wordlessly demanding cuddles.

'Kitty!' Loki turned his head, smiling to his feline brother lovingly and obediently began petting it, all while Tony kept moving. That was an absurd. Out of the two of them, it was Tony who deserved Loki's undivided attention at that moment! The Cat purred and flipped on his back, letting Loki stroke its fluffy belly. 'There's my kitty cat! I love you, yes, I do, yes, I do, good boy, yes.'

'Loki! We're in the middle of something! Tell the Cat to leave us!'

'Go on, finish, don't mind me. I've got to pet my kitty cat, look how he closes his eyes, that means he loves me. Yes, purr louder, good kitty, my black cat,' Loki cooed, making the Cat think the times of worshiping cats never ended. The four-legged godling and its slave ignored Tony, who would never come in front of that Machiavellian beast. A short moment of letting his guard down and he'd be attacked.

'Fine!' He got up, extremely offended by Loki's choice. They used to be inseparable and the Cat ruined that. That meant war.

 

The Cat found him when he was about to sit on the toilet, of course. Tony narrowed his eyes, conveying that he was not afraid of it.

'Listen to me, you bird-killer. Loki is mine. You think you can win this? I'm a human, way smarter than you. Your head is so small and your brain even smaller. I know how to defeat you.'

The Cat sat on its butt, raised one leg and began a long session of licking itself under its tail, right in front of Tony. It was trying to intimidate him by being so openly gross but Tony saw worse things in his life.

 

Loki was giving the Cat kitty snacks, cheese-flavoured, piece by piece, please to hear the crunching sound. The Cat accepted the gift but still wanted more and Loki was too weak to refuse. Tony gritted his teeth in annoyance. He was holding a large cardboard box and put it on the floor, next to Loki's chair. The Cat seemed slightly intrigued by the sight.

'What's this?' Loki asked, probably hoping there was another cat in the box. Not freaking likely.

'I did my research. You don't know that but cats rule the Internet and their slaves know how to bribe those feline terrorists. Cats want to _has cheezburger_ , a box, a can of tuna and a roll of toilet paper. You,' Tony pointed to the Cat, whose eyes were gleaming with barely contained interest,' you sit here, do what cats do.'

Loki put the Cat in the box, curious of what would happen. The Cat turned around, testing its new little house. Carefully, it took a bite of the cheeseburger, then ate some tuna and finally clawed at the toilet paper with an unexpected ferocity.

'You,' Tony gripped Loki's hand,' you come with me. We have an unfinished business in the bedroom.'

An they had lawts ov cheezburgers an cuddlez an lovd each othr an did not fight nomore. Tony learnt 2 luv teh Kat an teh Kat stoppd tryin 2 murdr him. Loki lovd them both vry mutch.

 

* * *

For Pâté. It's her birthday today, she turned 4. Pasztecik likes: hunting, cuddling, playing with her preys, drinking cat milk and sleeping on my lap. She doesn't like: the vet, dogs and most of all, other cats. She's on my lap right now, I'm stroking her kitteh belly. 

**Author's Note:**

> My cat Pasztecik turned 4 today. If anyone wants to wish her happy birthday, leave a comment and I'll read it to her.
> 
> There's nothing funnier than watching how cats treat people who don't like them. I saw how passive aggressive cats can be and it's hilarious. Also, I don't trust people who don't like cats. Cats are better than dogs.
> 
> I totally used the Lolcat translator. So creativ an funny.


End file.
